Not All That Glitters Is Gold
by howlingmoonrise
Summary: For Freeruka Week(end) 2017. Shrek AU - When the frog witch Eruka finds her swamp invaded by a huge amount of idiots who have been banished from Death City by the evil lady Medusa, she must team up with a clueless werewolf who won't shut up to rescue Kishin Asura and get her land back... And try not to strangle him along the way.


**A/N: Don't ask. Just. Don't ask. Storyshaming my shitposting brain is a pleasure reserved for sandmancircus on tumblr alone.  
**

 **(and yes sadly enough freeruka would totally be the shronkey equivalent in SE, like i said _don't ask, you don't want to know_ )**

 **(but do review)**

 **(reviews are welcome)**

* * *

There are many things Eruka enjoys in life. One: her swamp, disgusting in a lovely, gross, muddy kind of way. Two: her solitude and quiet, helped immensely by the aforementioned gross, muddy swamp. Three: a nice candlelit dinner of roasted rat legs, topped with a firefly juice cocktail. All three ingredients for a relaxing evening of doing nothing yet again.

Yet all three of these things are, currently, being _ruined_.

The werewolf raises a leg to scratch at his ear like a common dog, sending fleas flying into the leftovers of her cocktail, and Eruka bristles.

She didn't even get to _try_ her cocktail!

"You uneducated mutt," she hisses. "You have three seconds to tell me exactly _what_ you're doing in my swamp before I try and figure out if my house decoration goes with a werewolf rug."

The oversized _dog_ has the gall to offer her a wide smile. "Hey," he says, scratching at his ear again. Really, in a mostly-human form it just looks weird, and Eruka has half a mind to tell him so. "Are you the landlady?"

" _Excuse me?_ "

"So I was thinking," he continues, uninterrupted by her shriek. "Have you tried investing in some dog toys? Bone furniture? I _really_ think it could liven this place up."

She has a mind to turn him into a tadpole. She really, _really_ does. "Did you not see the 'KEEP OUT' signs outside? The one with the _CAPITAL LETTERS?_ " She adds Capital Letters to her speech just to emphasize it. Let it never be said that Eruka Frog, witch supreme of her own swamp, does not appreciate the finer points of literary humour.

"Ah, yes!" He waggles his tail. Waggles. His. _Tail_. Eruka wants to scream. "Excellent idea! I don't like trespassers either - coming uninvited, staying for too long, not understanding when you throw them hints you want them to leave-"

Eruka lets her arms remain pointing to the nearest _KEEP OUT_ sign with raised eyebrows.

"-and then of course, there's the awkward silence when they don't understand what you're getting at." He laughs boisterously. "So anyway, where do I sleep? The bed's kind of taken."

Eruka lets her eyelid twitch. Just a little. "The bed is _what?_ "

* * *

This is a _disaster_.

Her dinner - her lovely, lovely dinner - is ruined, eaten whole by some mutt who probably didn't even bother to savour it. There's a chameleon in her bed, some guy with a sword dressed in her favourite polka-dotted cotton nightgown, a red demon playing swanky music from a gramophone at a volume Eruka didn't even know those things could reach, a bunch of rats attacking her cupboards - though those at least she can eat later in some sort of belated vengeance - and a pink raccoon sorting through the little box of intimate things on her cupboard that _no one but herself should ever see_.

Eruka snatches it away with a panicked glare and stuffs it back in before anyone else can notice. The pink raccoon grins widely before scampering away, probably to gossip about her new findings. _Yes, she should run away!,_ Eruka thinks. _Or I'd definitely have turned her into... something. Something terrible. Definitely. Probably_. She diligently ignores her flaming cheeks and makes a mental note to buy a padlock for her cupboard.

There's a couple of idiots trying to shove a huge mirror showing a sleeping guy with a gigantic teddy bear head for a - well, _head_ \- on top of her potions workbench by the time she decides she's had enough.

"WHAT THE FUCK," she bellows. "IS GOING _ON?_ "

Like magic, everyone freezes in place. Not like magic, but by _actual_ magic, they also cannot speak, and Eruka sheepishly reverts the spell by snapping her fingers twice behind their back before they notice.

She immediately regrets it.

"AAAAHHH!" screams someone. "IT'S A _WITCH!_ "

There's a few seconds of collective screaming and failure to run away.

" _No shit,_ " snaps Eruka, quickly running out of patience. "Which of my 'home bewitched home' collection pillows clued you in? Or maybe the black cauldron with a cure for warts boiling away? Or, gee, I don't know, all the 'BEWARE THE WITCH' signs I posted outside? With CAPITAL LETTERS?"

The Capital Letters should have been a dead giveaway, but apparently her reluctant visitors aren't the fastest to catch up. "Witch," one of them whimpers before passing out. The others let him drop on the dirt floor without any attempts to catch him.

"Yeah," says someone unfortunately big by her side. "You should all leave our property. It's terribly rude to barge in like that, you know."

" _Our_ property?" she fumes, turning around to give the big mutt a piece of her mind, but the noise starts up again. And honestly, it's way too much noise to fit inside her little hideout; Eruka feels coldness grip her heart.

"Dog?" she asks. "Please tell me there isn't more of you outside."

"There's only one of me," he replies unhelpfully. "But even if there were more they wouldn't fit with all those other guests outside."

"Oh no," Eruka whimpers. "Oh no, no, _no._ "

"Just imagine if I ever bring the family around! If I still had one to bring, that is." He laughs uproariously. Then he takes a concerned look at her paling expression. "Landlady, are you feeling alright? You're looking a bit pale, though to be fair that's not saying a lot. What was the last time you sunbathed?"

Eruka can only shake her head mutely, wondering how on Death she's going to fix this.

This is a _disaster._


End file.
